Grace full mama

My nerves haven’t just been frayed the last while. They have been threadbare. This is our busy season. Our fly in fishing lodge is officially open for business, which means I start to feel scattered. We have a beautiful homestead here, and the lodge is a 5 hour drive and 30 minute flight from here. I love both places. I have to have the kids in public school, so June is crazy and I end up spending some time away from them as I cook at the lodge. I know that they are in the very best hands, but it still frays my nerves.

Add to that the fact that at the moment, Alberta is literally going up in smoke. There are fires fairly close to our lodge, and fires close to our home. Everywhere we go is covered in a blanket of smoke that makes our lungs hurt. I can’t work my horses, because exercise for anything in this smoke would be torture.

My 3.5 month old is going through a sleep regression that is causing sleep deprivation and causing every little anthill to feel like a mountain. Aaaaand now my husband is gone to the lodge… that 5 hour drive and 30 minute flight away; while I hope we don’t get put on evacuation notice. It feels like I have a herd of angry catfish swimming around in my stomach. Circumstances are looming in my subconscious like a giant boogey monster.

Times like this I so desperately need to draw close to Jesus. I need to hear what he says about everything. I need to feel his indwelling. Why is it that these are the times I feel such a resistance to spending time drawing near to him? The ruling emotion in my life becomes frustration with everything and the roiling ball of anxiety in my gut.

I am not the first person to experience anxiety inducing circumstances. Right now, there are billions of people in this world who would laugh my problems off, because they can’t find food for their families, or worship openly, or they are in the middle of battles I just can’t wrap my first world head around. In Acts, the disciples were preaching despite the threat of torture and death.

This isn’t home. There is going to be struggles. It is supposed to be hard. We have an enemy who is good at capitalising on circumstances to draw us away from the source when we need him the most.

Do you know how many times the bible says “Do not fear,” or something similar?

365.

I think He knew we were going to have this struggle. And the answer is in the number. We need to abide in him. Every day. He didn’t tell us “do not fear” once and expect it to tide us over for the whole year. He told us once for every day. We need to hear this from him every. Single. Day.

The truth is that our circumstances might not get easier. He might do an incredible miracle, should the fire come this way, and build an angelic wall around my house, protecting it from the flames. And he might not. My house could burn. My peace cannot be circumstantial, the stakes are too high for that kind of fragility. My peace has to be rooted so firmly in Him that I do not, like Lot’s wife, look back at what matters to me in this world. I need to have my eyes fixed on him, the source of my peace.

Let us fix our eyes upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it’s shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:2&3

Nursing a baby gives me a pretty good metaphor for this “abiding” in my every day life. I am my son’s source of comfort at this time in his life. What does he want when he is tired? Mama’s milk. What does he want when he gets scared? Mama’s milk. When he is cranky for who knows what reason while mama is flying around busy? You got it. Mama’s milk. If we learn to focus on Jesus like that… if we fix our eyes on him when it gets hard instead of obsessing over the problem, or the parade of “what ifs,” we will find our peace.

I will consider this day one of making sure I get my 365 days of peace in. Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief. Help me keep my eyes on you. Don’t ever let go of me.