Grace full mama

I woke up in the dark, covered in mud. How did I get here? I stood up, panicking, my feet stuck to the ankle in rancid smelling muck. I could hear the foul suction of it as I moved, trying to keep my feet right where they were. I needed to get out of there. I needed to get cleaned up before anyone saw me. I am not a muck dweller. It took everything in me to get my feet out of the muck and take a step, but as I put my foot down it squished right back into the oozing, sticky black muck. I tried fighting the tears. I kept fighting to get out, labouring to put one foot in front of the other. But as my legs began to burn and still I made no headway, my eyes stung with tears. My hard work was only causing black muck to make it’s way all over me, covering my white nightgown with foul smelling black splatter. It was caked all the way above my knees. Still, I pushed forward. I could do this, I could get out of this place! Hours passed. At least I think it was hours. Maybe it was weeks. Maybe it was years. It is hard to make sense of time in the dark.

Finally I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t even tell if I was any closer to escaping the muck. Inky blackness surrounded me. Rancid muck tried to swallow me whole. I was covered in it. Covered in sweat from trying to escape it. I sat down in it, feeling myself surrounded up to my waist. I couldn’t do this. My chest heaved in sobs. Animal like sounds of absolute destitution escaped my mouth without permission. I couldn’t escape this. I was going to die here. I was going to just become part of the muck.

And then I felt it. It was just a hand. But when he placed it on my shoulder it was unlike anything I had ever felt. There was a warmth emanating from it that warmed me down to my heart and made the hurt, stop hurting. I was afraid for anyone to see me like this, so I kept my eyes firmly shut. But he spoke to me. And his voice was like nothing I had ever heard. All at once it was strong and powerful like thunder, soothing and hushed, like ocean waves beating against the rocks, beautiful like music, and mighty like an earthquake.

“Look at me, my darling.” That was all he said. The battle inside me was raging. I was so ashamed. I kept my head turned away from him, but I opened my eyes, just a crack. I saw light. Not cold, clinical light. I saw warm light, that reminded me of fireplaces, or sunsets. Light that made you want to dive into it. I opened my eyes a little more and very slowly I turned my face towards the man with his hand on my shoulder. As I lifted my face to meet his eyes, all the pain left me in an instant. His eyes were warm, kind, and full of joy. They enveloped me. They made me want to lose myself in the depth of their warmth. “Will you let me help you?” He asked me in that incredible voice. I wasn’t even sure I could answer, but my mouth opened and I croaked

“Yes.”

“Look at yourself my darling.” I looked down at my soiled nightdress and gasped in disbelief. As I was staring into those beautiful eyes, somehow, I had been changed. I wasn’t in a nightdress anymore at all. I was in a beautiful white gown; and I was clean. The muck was gone, and I stood with this man in a rocky low spot among mountains. Flowers grew in every colour I could think of all around my feet, and as far as my eyes could see. The sky was painted sunset colours of rose, gold, and amber. On my right side there was a lake, perfectly still and clear, reflecting the beauty of my surroundings. The man held my hand firmly and I knew, I would never be alone in the muck again.

This, mamas, friends, is how it is for us. We all have sin and struggles that our enemy would like to use to disqualify us. We so often “try harder” in our own strength to overcome our feelings of worthlessness. We try and save ourselves by works; But no matter how hard we work to try in our own strength to become more righteous, the bible tells us our hard work is “As filthy rags.” This can be so discouraging! But the truth is, freedom is so simple. When we fix our eyes on him instead of ourselves and the mess around us, he works towards transforming us from glory to glory. Like Peter, when Jesus called him onto the water in the middle of a terrifying storm, we just have to keep our eyes fixed on him.

How do we do this, practically? We let go of what others think of us. We let go of what we think we have done right, or what we have done wrong that we feel disqualifies us. It isn’t about what we have done. It is about how he has redeemed us. We repent, and he removes our guilt as far as the east is from the west, and we realise it is about what He has done! We need to focus on that! We need to choose to see ourselves the way he does, listen to what he says about us, and nail everything else to the cross of Jesus. It is incredible, the transformation that is possible as we look into the eyes of Jesus.